Archive for March, 2009|Monthly archive page

You Don’t need to Go looking for a Zen Master. He’s here, he is Now.

In 1, My journal, Philosophy..sociological commentary on March 29, 2009 at 3:03 pm

You don’t need to go looking for a Zen master.

I have been thinking about this recently. The Zen master is here now, it is in all phenomena that looms up in your world, both within and without.The Zen master lives on that line between reaction and response. The Pause.

I have been thinking about this recently because one, I’m given to weird flights of thought to begin with..and two, I was surfing thru  D’s amazing blog the other day and came across a post, which apologies, I cannot seem to find again,
wherein he talks about his now passed on grandmother’s, (I believe it was his grandmother, again I stand to be humbly corrected)

phrase that
“the Dead don’t grieve that we know of.”

Well, that kind of jumped out at me, and has been whirling around percolating ever since…
Do the Dead grieve?
Do they have moments of nostalgia?
All nostalgia and futuritus..some of us are more orientated to one affliction the more so than the other, but basically it all seems to stem from one great cosmic loin you know, LONGING,desire..anything that prevents us from being right here, right now.
Present and accounted for.
How many of us could say that we are truly present and accounted for moment to moment? That we are not addicted to nostalgiks or consumed by futuritus?

I want to learn to be in the now.OMG, I see so much craziness both within myself and others..from not being able to tolerate and have the peace of the now. To be unable to face what is in your face.

I was thinking lately how I wanted a mentor, I’ve had various formal mentors of varying stripes over my lifetime..and it has hit me in the past two days

that everybody and everything and every thought and feeling that comes my way is my mentor if I let it be.

The good, the bad, and the ugly.

that when I set anyone up to be my teacher above me, they are bound to fall eventually.

That the teacher is everybody and everywhere, a thousand faces, whatever shows up on my dashboard . The teacher is my reaction to it.

The teachable moment, when I put my weapons down, really and truly and let others be in my life as they are, and let myself be , moment to moment with THAT. How I am, how they are. Simple.

We are never going to escape emotion, and who would want to, it’s part of the human experience, we are not going to escape attachment and longing this side of the veil, and who knows if we even escape it the other side of the veil, as Doc’s statement ends..
” the Dead don’t grieve , THAT WE KNOW OF..”

What if they do grieve, what if they watch us and grieve for our pain, our convoluted webs, and the rain is simply their big fat tears of grief for us, washing our faces clean?

I don’t know. I don’t know if or where or how it stops..

I was thinking this morning about the most beautiful surroundings I found myself in a few years back when a couple living on the edges of the Old growth Cathedral forest in this renovated amazing trailer, renting it for a steal,invited me to spend some time there with them, and they were too strung always on drugs to really drink in the beauty around them,

and I would get up in the mornings and wander onto the wrap around deck and listen to the songbirds and want so badly to have a place like that for myself,

uncomprehending why they would medicate something, some old pain, whatever, we all carry it, so far out of them so as to not be in this awesome place.

The awesome place is the Now.

Of course I had an awesome teacher. I had a child who journeyed a full ten and a half years with me, both of us I believe with the full awareness that he could die at any moment,

and you know that was the thing I feared the most, and then finally one day it happened.

And I am still here.

Oh my God, I loved that child like I have never loved before or since. All I had was the now, and the now was sometimes godawful and sometimes pure rhapsody. But mostly just gift.

Maybe when I long and slip the bounds of the Now, in whatever situation, with whatever phenomena, or in whosever’s company..whenever I want something to be other than the way it is..not overall, but right here , right now, when I resist, maybe he does grieve for me.

And says, oh mama, you haven’t learned the lesson yet.His heart breaking…

I was thinking about how all was the now for him this morning, I was remembering him,he was almost blind, so everything was sound, and you could not creep up on that child on long shag carpet.

His head would turn and breathing shift almost imperceptibly..he would be attending to the moment.

I recalled the pain of leaving his hospital room late at night, when he was in, as he often was, and I would never creep out on him, I would always tell him I was going..

and then as I backed out of the room, my heart pounding I would watch his little face, listening, listening.

The Now was all he and I had.

He didn’t tell me he was going when he left for good..or maybe he just told me his whole life..

All I am trying to say this morning, is , stop trying so hard to live in nostalgia or the future, be right here now, now is the zen master, stop struggling so hard to conform everybody and everything to your will..let it all be..let them be, for god’s sake, let yourself be once in a while..

Everything and everybody is the Zen master, when you just let it be…

Not to be confused with complacency or hopelessness..no not at all. I fought for my son’s life the entire time he was with me.
Maybe he fights for mine now.

of course this could all be brought to you by a case of food poisoning I have from gleefully consuming a sushi salmon roll yesterday. WTF knows. or that I have reacted into several things in my own world in the past 48 and been less than ohmed out about them. 🙂

kata karma, rock on

love cat


My Fetish for the Edge/ Intimate play.Violence and Intimacy in Bdsm and D/s.

In D/s, Bdsm on March 27, 2009 at 10:52 am

I have been thinking lately about the nature of my fetishes…
blood play
blade play
resistance play
fear play
rough body play…face slapping,resisting,
wrestling, spitting, hairpulling take down..
some experience in, but a growing curiosity around watersports..
the mind fuck is huge with me..

and what they share at heart, at core is an intimacy..

They are intimate acts, both physically and psychologically. They require close up contact, often flesh on flesh,and the knowledge of one another that comes with time and investment emotionally, mentally, an investment of the heart.

As one who identifies as both a submissive and a masochist,
for me, and YMMV, you can have all the “toys” in the world, but if you cannot engage me on a psychological level, you are not going to foster my submission, you are not even going to satiate my masochism, you may give me a momentary pleasurable experience,
like a noonday coffee with a shared slice of cheesecake with a friend,

but the experience will remain just that..a pleasant rather surface memory..
it will not strike me to the core. To “engage” me psychologically ..you have to invest, to study, to be fascinated with, to care..

Some enjoy casual play…I certainly have, for what it is worth when I have engaged in it.

Ultimately tho, it has struck me as about more of an aesthetic,
or some sort of base release, sans the risks and opportunities for wild growth between the two who take the journey of D/s on in intimacy.

Absolutely there are passing intimacies, powerful moments with strangers, happy “accidents” almost, where something deeper that what one thought was being bargained for is exposed ..and experienced..

however the real cauldron for intimacy remains for me within a D/s relationship itself..

and the nature of my fetishes is a signpost that where I am most satisfied and growing is within close up intimate, exposed, psychological play and the kinds of physical and mental play that require stripped down raw and ongoing trust building and shared revelation.

I guess I have an intimacy fetish..
at this point in my journey I do not wish to be topped so much as Dominated, and all the book knowledge or science of Domination in the world is not going to facilitate that

if I am not approached with the intensity that a labor of love fosters,as an individual,

that is, an Artistry of Dominance is brought to the table more so than a science of domination..

I’m not exhibit A, a chemistry experiment with a known outcome,
a fixed mathematical equation,

Some can talk “Dominance” , know the theories behind it, ect, but to me that is kind of like being an english teacher..you can point the way to great literature for your students, and those around you..and a certain number of those you teach will become writers..

but that does not necessarily make you a Dominant..you are a Dominant when you dominate, simple..

all the howling and yowling about dominating in the world doesn’t make one such..
a writer is a writer because one writes, not because one studies writing..

It really is in the verb, and intimacy is a verb..it requires
ongoing attending to..

just another morning mash up out of an interesting conversation I had, JMHO, and not a fully thought out
rant, more of a beginning to process process..


So What is Rough Body play or a Violence fetish?

In D/s, Bdsm on March 27, 2009 at 10:42 am
I have spoken to this before, several months back and some of you that have been following this blog for that length of time recall those posts, or have seen the joint post Lucifer and I coauthored on the topic on his blog..
maybe if I ask him sweetly he will repost on his site blog.

However, I’m in the mood to revisit the topic..it remains relevant..

What is in a good “take down” ?
well, there’s a mix of elements at play..
and there’s no ropes, no bondage other than that of the mind,
the submissive is freed to respond physically and psychologically to the challenge..and the challenge goes both ways..

it is intimate, raw, and in your face.
It is an adrenalin blast for both players, cathartic both physically and emotionally
and carries a certain degree of traumatic risk.

What may be revealed in the way of inner demons can hijack both Dominant and submissive..both individuals, neither is immune in this sort of play.

I have a memory…a memory of lighting a cigarette while riding
a previous Dominant,

oh, yeah, I was definately going for it,
I had done this with others..however this time , it was different..some sort of time/ space conundrum must have ocurred because in between the act of flicking the lighter,

and going to take my first delicious inhale,

I found myself backhanded thru the air, slidin down the wall, and then facing him on the floor on all fours just a coming back at him

What a turn on!
grabbed by the hair, ” You are never going to bring a cigarette to my bed again, are you?”

I’m not entirely sure I’m cured, however I will tell you this..there is no way in hell I would pull that with Lucifer.

Physical bondage requires trust, shared violence that is a fetish works on the psychological bindings..

How strong is your mind/
at what point do you submit?
yeah, maybe playing with weapons is a turn on..but the ultimate turn on…is not in a weapon per se..it’s in the play of the binds between the two playing..
How well does the Dominant understand the submissive,
what triggers pushed by both will amp the ante up,
what triggers and psychological mastery will bring about
the release both seek, and end the scening safely?

Going in..there is an understanding, a foregone conclusion as to the rough lines of how this will play out.

There will be a submission..a yielding, a surrender..

However the Dominant does not have the aid of immobilizing the submissive from the start of the scene, that will come from their
physical and psychological mastery.

Obviously If you are a sadist, but refuse to take some pain back, cannot handle psychologically the resistance and upped ante in being spat on or struck back or cursed on perhaps, this is not the kind of play for you.If You HAVE to HAVe your game all tied up..however

Some like it hot.

This kind of fetish is very intimate, and I would be the first to say..much fore grounding and aftercare must take place.

Having my face slapped or being face fuked, the freedom to calculate whether I will chance irreverence or not,and deliver it back, psychological sparring takes me to the sublime faster than anything else I know of..

I would not want to indulge in my violence fetish with anyone who I did not trust could truly understand and master their own demons in this sort of play..

I have seen a couple of partners over six foot hesitate during this to my detriment..if we are going there, and I am the submissive opening to this sort of warscape..

then I had better trust that you know yourself and me well enough to see us safely thru..

I’m just five foot, but the one time someone “lost” it on me as in fell apart in this kind of play, was not strong enough , himself, psychologically,

I recall a 6000 amp moment of red..Do NOT lead me here, if you cannot lead..

Do NOT bring the demons of all concerned out, if you haven’t experience in slaying them..half way in is NOT the time to falter on the sub..

Obviously a safe signal applies, and I have only touched on the topic here..

I think it is really important to ask yourself why you are attracted to this sort of play before you indulge..and to know who you are playing with intimately.

so who else enjoys a violence fetish?
bad , good experiences with it, tales to share , warnings?

Ten things to be aware of when being approached by a Dominant.

In D/s, Bdsm on March 25, 2009 at 10:39 am

1. A Dominant interested in a POTENTIAL relationship with you will always approach you as a person worthy of respect.

2. This will mean that initially sexuality will take a backseat. If you are asked for sexual favors immediatly as in ” show me what you have” they are exploiting the situation for personal gratification, which speaks of a lack of character, and the inability to withhold that personal gratification long enough to establish whether you actually have something of value to offer one another.

3. They will not as the rapport develops, hesitate to direct you to character references, or to out their own identity.

4. They will show interest in the whole of your person, good fits in D/s take many things into consideration.

5. They will be clear on what they seek..if they waffle in this, then it is a red flag.

6. Look for the qualities of an empathetic listener. That they are attending not just to themselves, but to you..a good fit is multifaceted.

7. Codes of speech and conduct vary, however while both are considering how they might proceed, if your intuition tells you someone is moving too fast , trust your instincts, state this upfront, and if it is brushed off, leave..it is the beginnings of a dynamic which will always put you second( or not really in the equation at all)

8. It is perfectly acceptable and smart to ask them about their history in D/s.

You should know these things and individuals of integrity will not mind speaking to this.

9. Submission  develops vis a vis another and is earned by the other, quite simply. It is not a fact but a journey, you can acknowledge a Dominant with respect, but you are not their submissive until things become established.

10. D/s may have a strong erotic component , indeed it colors much of the dynamic in power exchange, but the primary qualities of the relationship remain mutual respect,trust and integrity of both parties. Not lust.

Eroticism is the beautiful flower that develops out of an exchange built on these things.

My thoughts. YMMV.

feel free to leave comments whether agreeing, disagreeing, ect.


Abuse dynamics/ D/s dynamics..

In D/s, Bdsm, My journal on March 25, 2009 at 10:12 am

Still stormed in here.
Almost a week into the official arrival of spring and I have been scrambling thru white out conditions to get to the corner store.

I’m thinking back this morning to where I was a couple of years ago to this date. In a shelter, a couple of days arrival into a city I had been transported to for reasons of safety. A city that was awash in cherry blossom petals, they paved the streets…

In a shelter for women and children leaving abusive relationships, shocking to me because I had been an abuse counsellor for over a decade prior to this relationship.
Mute, traumatized, and undone. The relationship only lasted six months prior to my leavetaking, but I began a process of coming to terms with how it all went down to begin with.
In retrospect, I believe it could only happen because of the situation I found myself in, far from my home..and the life timing..

When I met the person who was to become so monstrous, I was actively grieving an enormous life loss, and as all cons do, this person knew how to work that vulnerability.
It’s a black hole, almost surreal, in my personal life story..but there is a message I want to speak to..

Anyone, regardless of who you think you are, can find themselves in this sort of mess, the shame is not in landing there,what is pivitol is the pride one should take and awareness that one has the skills to get out.

As I arrived there, as many do, without a thing to my name, I was given a voucher for 100 dollars for clothing and personals..
at a connected thrift operation.
I recall the pain and confusion as I, a woman who had been independent, so very independent in many ways all my adult life, went to pick out a sweater to wear around the city in the spring weather.
Reconnecting to my sense of selfhood, oh, I like this fabric, that cut,I deserve this.
It was horrendously difficult, I had lost my “I”.

My partner,I really do NOT know what to call him,had a very dominant personality, despite not being a Dominant, he employed all the same mind fuks ect, but without limits and ethics that exist in a healthy D/s relationship..his motives were pathological.

In D/s there is a certain amount of loss of self that is given over in trust..by the submissive..and that is why the ethics and borders, and mutual respect are crucial.

I believe that as a submissive, it is integral that I have and experience a strong sense of the “I’, as my touchstone , while experiencing the loss of the “I’ that is part of the gift of submission.

Submissives need to hold each other up in this, Dominants need to negotiate and be aware of selfhood issues for those they take on.

I know some may feel differently on this..but whether it is submission or slave status,how can one give what one does not have?

If you do not have a “self” you cannot employ it in the service of another or yourself.

Abuse belittles and destroys the self …in a healthy D/s dynamic the self is given a container within which to grow.

I will  be continuing my thoughts on this in the next post.

Hope your week is going well, cherry blossom petals on my mind while I listen to the crooning foghorn and watch the dovegreyed skies, shaking out flakes , as we say here, the old one brushes with her broom..hopefully but not likely the last touch of winter.

Forget using your words. Use anything but..

In My journal on March 24, 2009 at 10:24 pm


(for lack of a better word)

the second line is meant completely literally.

I will climb up the cliff, and throw missives in bottles into the atlantic,

I will resort to sign language..

I will close my mouth

and just not struggle any longer with the word. (yes!)

some sort of agitation, backdrop like white noise or irritating musak while being on interminable hold.

On the brighter side got my new pink cell phone today..now I have to figure out how to use it.

Katatonik.  I’m certain it won’t last.

Sometimes the meter just runs low, you know..

sometimes it’s just scarcity on all fronts..

Pulling in is not always a bad thing for a little while.

Trouble is,  I’m not sure if this is a need to pull in or break out.

Not waving but drowning. ha!

cat ..somewhere in the mid north atlantic snowed in, down and out..

Creativity, Hyperfocus, Dissociation and D/s.

In D/s, Bdsm, My journal, On Art/writing/creativity on March 24, 2009 at 10:28 am

As I  journey along in both my understanding of self and my understanding of both my needs in D/s and my gifts to offer..with growth comes greater clarity, on Who I am, What I am, How I am..what I can offer, and what I cannot.

I have an artistic mindset, I am a writer and a poet at heart, if I offer service to a Dominant/Master..it will never be adequate domestic service..I am domestically and organizationally challenged, daily struggling with Ahdd like challenges..

What I do offer is my creativity, my intense intuitive abilities, my capacity for the practice of empathy..I AM an empath and this means I can intuit things that often many miss..

For me, a good fit is with someone who allows and encourages these strengths, and directs me thru the challenges, is encouraged and sustained themselves by what I offer, and patient, and resourceful around what I cannot.

I am very responsive erotically and intellectually, with a Dominant partner who welcomes this, the relationship is fruitful.

The clarifying aspects of being directed intelligently, being sustained thru the organizing impact of trance space scening on my mind, not micro managed, but given a leash as it were, to be me..without falling into the chaos that threatens without direction.

My service will never be one of domestic adequacy, however I offer an affinity for beauty, a questioning intellect, a capacity for joy, and a drive to express that are service in themselves.

When directed, and appreciated for what they are.

Outside of this, I would make a very frustrating and poor fit for many, I need structure, a lead , and focusing, but not micromanaging and caging.

We are our own sub group of submissives, those of us who have this sort of brain wiring, a gift to some, a nightmare to others..

Morning musings as I  get ready to resume my theta posts, cat

Switching Voice.

In My journal, On Art/writing/creativity on March 22, 2009 at 10:08 pm

I speak from many divergent voices. There is the inner philosopher who loves to wax conceptually, the poet who speaks in tongues, and the pyromaniac who pushes the edge of experience, and needs curtailing at times.

I shift in and out of these “spaces’ or voices depending on what I am attempting to accomplish, and altho reclusive at times, I am not shy and embrace the stage.

The poet and the pyromaniac emerged younger than the philosopher however, the philosopher was an adaptation, a learned way of expressing my ideas to those around me in a language that bridged all worlds.

It’s become easy for me to teach and instruct, I enjoy it, however, it is as I have noted a handmaiden a mediary to my dominant ways of experiencing..it is more of a response that I use to my advantage rather than a homecoming..

Home will always be a wedding of the poet’s sensibility and a love for the edge.

Home, is where my heart lies. It’s my sanctuary behind face, behind closed doors, and I share it without defense when I share it in intimacy..there I have no defense…there I am raw, exposed and perpetually a student and child …a small angel without guile , stigmata notwithstanding.


just a musing, cat

Hyperfocus, drift,creativity. Blessing and curse.

In D/s, Bdsm, My journal, On Art/writing/creativity on March 22, 2009 at 9:50 pm

Had a scar touched on the other day. Opened unexpectedly,  confusion and vertigo, a tumult of  sensations, energies that I am loathe to label as distinct emotions…instead when processing, I locate where in my body the sensations reside, and then let them speak for themselves..

The dominant sensation was one of my throat closing down, a choking, and an ache..a sensation I often experience as an ambiguous pleasure as I am entering subspace..I say ambiguous because, there is such a hyperdermic rush of euphoria mixed with something akin but cousin to, not quite fear.

The sensations attached to struggle and surrender.

This was different. There was no pleasure. I knew in part that something had been touched on that was much older than the moment and the context at hand. However, my inner world tilted on its axis veering into history.

The memories, felt sensations from childhood before I had the concepts to label my emotional realities, simply struggling at the mercy of them.

If there was a single quality I both exuded as a child and was furthurmore punished for..it was my creativity. Not from both parents, but from one, who was innately threatened by the way I processed, I took things in thru my senses rather than in a linear fashion, another way of saying this was although very cerebral, I was floaty, dreamy and given to solitude and thinking outside the box.

When caught up in a reverie, be it a new way of seeing or doing, I did not take direction or instruction well, I colored outside the lines , happily,not to rebel, it was simply innate.

My ability to hyperfocus has a down side. Sometimes switching gears takes a moment longer than non creative types.

How does this serve me as a submissive?

It’s an incredible gift when powerfully cued , and offsetting when I am distractible.

It’s been a long journey to embrace my creativity and way of being in this world, its been hard won.

A scar was touched on, a scar that whispers, inside of me, oh you fucked up, draw your lines straighter, attune and pay attention. Your inability to do this marks you as different, an outsider, inept.

I took a triage approach, accepted that my felt reaction was something far older than the now, processed and let go.

I walk the inner and outer world with greater or less degrees of precision dependent on what I have been caught up in..and at this point in my life given that I have a fair grasps on my strengths and faultlines, I let people into my intimate space who have some awareness and tolerance for drift.

For as sure as I have a capacity for drift, which enables me to see and experience the subterranean qualities to the phenomena around me, I also have a capacity, when compelled or taken by a perception, sensation, idea, or person to give it 500% of  myself and then some.

This double edged sword can be harnessed to the good or damned.

I continue to strive to harness it to the good, for all those that I love, and all that I love.


On the ethics and safety of Online subspace or trance space.

In D/s, Bdsm on March 21, 2009 at 4:10 pm

but given that there is sort of a generic understanding as to what the term encompasses, I’ll use it here.

Whether online /on the phone/or offline it is a state of altered consciousness predicated by power exchange. A state of altered consciousness not unlike ingesting a drug, given its powerful effects on the body…altered perception of time and space,altered auditory and sensual perception, altered heart rate, effects on blood pressure, ect.

I don’t know how common it is to experience subspace at a distance, to be cued by the non physical, but it should not be surprising , our capacity to do so, given that all perception begins with mind. Given certain dynamics,I’m wildly responsive to cues other than tactile.

I’ve only experienced it intensely in circumstances other than in the direct physcial prescence of others with three play partners.. “play” again a term I dislike, but oh, well.

In all these cases, I have felt the impact on my body in various ways..sound warps,my heart beat races and slows,the awareness of the other is simulataneously focused and diffuse, and I am unable to stand….

Theres talking kink..which most of us can do..hopefully..and then theres doing space, which I will call trancedancing.Trance dancing is to talking kink what doing kink is to doing vanilla.

To get to my point I was talking with a dominant last eve,who was “appalled” that other dominants would endeavor to evoke this state in another at a distance. Well, I have two things to say here..

one/ is that again it is the responsibility of the sub to know her/himself well enough to identify to the other when this has begun to happen..I have found that the other parties have KNOWN either by my face on cam or by my voice,

And two/ yes. It can be dangerous. As the submissive in trance dancin or let’s say the one who is being directed in power exchange my experience has been that the Dom usually leaves the session with a sense of satiation..
as in what a good meal that just was..sharper and gratified, while I have woken hours later ? disorientated and confused, still half tranced and alone.

It ia a very solo way to come out of trancedancin as the onus is on oneself to provide one’s own aftercare. The situation is a perfect context for the unpleasantries and dangers of drop.

A phone call the next day, a warm email focusing on the submissives well being helps.
In the abscence of these, I’d have to ask myself..how interested in my wellbeing, how ethical is the dominant I am playing with, being. I’ve dropped an online play partner from my chat utility for this reason.

As submissives, we cannot abdicate responsibility for our own wellbeing just because we are in the prescence of someone who identifies as dominant.

Know yourself. If you’re INANELY autosuggestive, like I am..Acknowledge it and be careful of with whom and how you play online.
Your capacity for trancedancin is your gift, not the sole perogative of the dominant…regardless of whatever bag of tricks they may carry to take you there.

I’ve talked to Dominants who feel so strongly about the ethics of going there at a distance , that although capable, they refuse to. Talked to others that feel assured of their ability to provide aftercare at a distance. If kink is foreplay…trancedancin is the orgasmic.

Stay aware of who you enter power exchange with..stay safe.

I’d like some feedback from those who have opinions on this or experiences to share , whether top or bottom.

Ps. I have just woken after near 24 hours of sleep.Wrapped in blankets drinking lemon tea. Still reviving from this kamikaze cold and still warming to all offers of empathy…IM lemon drop kisses and the like. It will pass but right now I look like something I dragged in. Smirx. Small purr..