Archive for March, 2009|Monthly archive page
I have been thinking lately about the nature of my fetishes…
rough body play…face slapping,resisting,
wrestling, spitting, hairpulling take down..
some experience in, but a growing curiosity around watersports..
the mind fuck is huge with me..
and what they share at heart, at core is an intimacy..
They are intimate acts, both physically and psychologically. They require close up contact, often flesh on flesh,and the knowledge of one another that comes with time and investment emotionally, mentally, an investment of the heart.
As one who identifies as both a submissive and a masochist,
for me, and YMMV, you can have all the “toys” in the world, but if you cannot engage me on a psychological level, you are not going to foster my submission, you are not even going to satiate my masochism, you may give me a momentary pleasurable experience,
like a noonday coffee with a shared slice of cheesecake with a friend,
but the experience will remain just that..a pleasant rather surface memory..
it will not strike me to the core. To “engage” me psychologically ..you have to invest, to study, to be fascinated with, to care..
Some enjoy casual play…I certainly have, for what it is worth when I have engaged in it.
Ultimately tho, it has struck me as about more of an aesthetic,
or some sort of base release, sans the risks and opportunities for wild growth between the two who take the journey of D/s on in intimacy.
Absolutely there are passing intimacies, powerful moments with strangers, happy “accidents” almost, where something deeper that what one thought was being bargained for is exposed ..and experienced..
however the real cauldron for intimacy remains for me within a D/s relationship itself..
and the nature of my fetishes is a signpost that where I am most satisfied and growing is within close up intimate, exposed, psychological play and the kinds of physical and mental play that require stripped down raw and ongoing trust building and shared revelation.
I guess I have an intimacy fetish..
at this point in my journey I do not wish to be topped so much as Dominated, and all the book knowledge or science of Domination in the world is not going to facilitate that
if I am not approached with the intensity that a labor of love fosters,as an individual,
that is, an Artistry of Dominance is brought to the table more so than a science of domination..
I’m not exhibit A, a chemistry experiment with a known outcome,
a fixed mathematical equation,
Some can talk “Dominance” , know the theories behind it, ect, but to me that is kind of like being an english teacher..you can point the way to great literature for your students, and those around you..and a certain number of those you teach will become writers..
but that does not necessarily make you a Dominant..you are a Dominant when you dominate, simple..
all the howling and yowling about dominating in the world doesn’t make one such..
a writer is a writer because one writes, not because one studies writing..
It really is in the verb, and intimacy is a verb..it requires
ongoing attending to..
just another morning mash up out of an interesting conversation I had, JMHO, and not a fully thought out
rant, more of a beginning to process process..
1. A Dominant interested in a POTENTIAL relationship with you will always approach you as a person worthy of respect.
2. This will mean that initially sexuality will take a backseat. If you are asked for sexual favors immediatly as in ” show me what you have” they are exploiting the situation for personal gratification, which speaks of a lack of character, and the inability to withhold that personal gratification long enough to establish whether you actually have something of value to offer one another.
3. They will not as the rapport develops, hesitate to direct you to character references, or to out their own identity.
4. They will show interest in the whole of your person, good fits in D/s take many things into consideration.
5. They will be clear on what they seek..if they waffle in this, then it is a red flag.
6. Look for the qualities of an empathetic listener. That they are attending not just to themselves, but to you..a good fit is multifaceted.
7. Codes of speech and conduct vary, however while both are considering how they might proceed, if your intuition tells you someone is moving too fast , trust your instincts, state this upfront, and if it is brushed off, leave..it is the beginnings of a dynamic which will always put you second( or not really in the equation at all)
8. It is perfectly acceptable and smart to ask them about their history in D/s.
You should know these things and individuals of integrity will not mind speaking to this.
9. Submission develops vis a vis another and is earned by the other, quite simply. It is not a fact but a journey, you can acknowledge a Dominant with respect, but you are not their submissive until things become established.
10. D/s may have a strong erotic component , indeed it colors much of the dynamic in power exchange, but the primary qualities of the relationship remain mutual respect,trust and integrity of both parties. Not lust.
Eroticism is the beautiful flower that develops out of an exchange built on these things.
My thoughts. YMMV.
feel free to leave comments whether agreeing, disagreeing, ect.
Still stormed in here.
Almost a week into the official arrival of spring and I have been scrambling thru white out conditions to get to the corner store.
I’m thinking back this morning to where I was a couple of years ago to this date. In a shelter, a couple of days arrival into a city I had been transported to for reasons of safety. A city that was awash in cherry blossom petals, they paved the streets…
In a shelter for women and children leaving abusive relationships, shocking to me because I had been an abuse counsellor for over a decade prior to this relationship.
Mute, traumatized, and undone. The relationship only lasted six months prior to my leavetaking, but I began a process of coming to terms with how it all went down to begin with.
In retrospect, I believe it could only happen because of the situation I found myself in, far from my home..and the life timing..
When I met the person who was to become so monstrous, I was actively grieving an enormous life loss, and as all cons do, this person knew how to work that vulnerability.
It’s a black hole, almost surreal, in my personal life story..but there is a message I want to speak to..
Anyone, regardless of who you think you are, can find themselves in this sort of mess, the shame is not in landing there,what is pivitol is the pride one should take and awareness that one has the skills to get out.
As I arrived there, as many do, without a thing to my name, I was given a voucher for 100 dollars for clothing and personals..
at a connected thrift operation.
I recall the pain and confusion as I, a woman who had been independent, so very independent in many ways all my adult life, went to pick out a sweater to wear around the city in the spring weather.
Reconnecting to my sense of selfhood, oh, I like this fabric, that cut,I deserve this.
It was horrendously difficult, I had lost my “I”.
My partner,I really do NOT know what to call him,had a very dominant personality, despite not being a Dominant, he employed all the same mind fuks ect, but without limits and ethics that exist in a healthy D/s relationship..his motives were pathological.
In D/s there is a certain amount of loss of self that is given over in trust..by the submissive..and that is why the ethics and borders, and mutual respect are crucial.
I believe that as a submissive, it is integral that I have and experience a strong sense of the “I’, as my touchstone , while experiencing the loss of the “I’ that is part of the gift of submission.
Submissives need to hold each other up in this, Dominants need to negotiate and be aware of selfhood issues for those they take on.
I know some may feel differently on this..but whether it is submission or slave status,how can one give what one does not have?
If you do not have a “self” you cannot employ it in the service of another or yourself.
Abuse belittles and destroys the self …in a healthy D/s dynamic the self is given a container within which to grow.
I will be continuing my thoughts on this in the next post.
Hope your week is going well, cherry blossom petals on my mind while I listen to the crooning foghorn and watch the dovegreyed skies, shaking out flakes , as we say here, the old one brushes with her broom..hopefully but not likely the last touch of winter.
(for lack of a better word)
the second line is meant completely literally.
I will climb up the cliff, and throw missives in bottles into the atlantic,
I will resort to sign language..
I will close my mouth
and just not struggle any longer with the word. (yes!)
some sort of agitation, backdrop like white noise or irritating musak while being on interminable hold.
On the brighter side got my new pink cell phone today..now I have to figure out how to use it.
Katatonik. I’m certain it won’t last.
Sometimes the meter just runs low, you know..
sometimes it’s just scarcity on all fronts..
Pulling in is not always a bad thing for a little while.
Trouble is, I’m not sure if this is a need to pull in or break out.
Not waving but drowning. ha!
cat ..somewhere in the mid north atlantic snowed in, down and out..
As I journey along in both my understanding of self and my understanding of both my needs in D/s and my gifts to offer..with growth comes greater clarity, on Who I am, What I am, How I am..what I can offer, and what I cannot.
I have an artistic mindset, I am a writer and a poet at heart, if I offer service to a Dominant/Master..it will never be adequate domestic service..I am domestically and organizationally challenged, daily struggling with Ahdd like challenges..
What I do offer is my creativity, my intense intuitive abilities, my capacity for the practice of empathy..I AM an empath and this means I can intuit things that often many miss..
For me, a good fit is with someone who allows and encourages these strengths, and directs me thru the challenges, is encouraged and sustained themselves by what I offer, and patient, and resourceful around what I cannot.
I am very responsive erotically and intellectually, with a Dominant partner who welcomes this, the relationship is fruitful.
The clarifying aspects of being directed intelligently, being sustained thru the organizing impact of trance space scening on my mind, not micro managed, but given a leash as it were, to be me..without falling into the chaos that threatens without direction.
My service will never be one of domestic adequacy, however I offer an affinity for beauty, a questioning intellect, a capacity for joy, and a drive to express that are service in themselves.
When directed, and appreciated for what they are.
Outside of this, I would make a very frustrating and poor fit for many, I need structure, a lead , and focusing, but not micromanaging and caging.
We are our own sub group of submissives, those of us who have this sort of brain wiring, a gift to some, a nightmare to others..
Morning musings as I get ready to resume my theta posts, cat
I speak from many divergent voices. There is the inner philosopher who loves to wax conceptually, the poet who speaks in tongues, and the pyromaniac who pushes the edge of experience, and needs curtailing at times.
I shift in and out of these “spaces’ or voices depending on what I am attempting to accomplish, and altho reclusive at times, I am not shy and embrace the stage.
The poet and the pyromaniac emerged younger than the philosopher however, the philosopher was an adaptation, a learned way of expressing my ideas to those around me in a language that bridged all worlds.
It’s become easy for me to teach and instruct, I enjoy it, however, it is as I have noted a handmaiden a mediary to my dominant ways of experiencing..it is more of a response that I use to my advantage rather than a homecoming..
Home will always be a wedding of the poet’s sensibility and a love for the edge.
Home, is where my heart lies. It’s my sanctuary behind face, behind closed doors, and I share it without defense when I share it in intimacy..there I have no defense…there I am raw, exposed and perpetually a student and child …a small angel without guile , stigmata notwithstanding.
just a musing, cat
Had a scar touched on the other day. Opened unexpectedly, confusion and vertigo, a tumult of sensations, energies that I am loathe to label as distinct emotions…instead when processing, I locate where in my body the sensations reside, and then let them speak for themselves..
The dominant sensation was one of my throat closing down, a choking, and an ache..a sensation I often experience as an ambiguous pleasure as I am entering subspace..I say ambiguous because, there is such a hyperdermic rush of euphoria mixed with something akin but cousin to, not quite fear.
The sensations attached to struggle and surrender.
This was different. There was no pleasure. I knew in part that something had been touched on that was much older than the moment and the context at hand. However, my inner world tilted on its axis veering into history.
The memories, felt sensations from childhood before I had the concepts to label my emotional realities, simply struggling at the mercy of them.
If there was a single quality I both exuded as a child and was furthurmore punished for..it was my creativity. Not from both parents, but from one, who was innately threatened by the way I processed, I took things in thru my senses rather than in a linear fashion, another way of saying this was although very cerebral, I was floaty, dreamy and given to solitude and thinking outside the box.
When caught up in a reverie, be it a new way of seeing or doing, I did not take direction or instruction well, I colored outside the lines , happily,not to rebel, it was simply innate.
My ability to hyperfocus has a down side. Sometimes switching gears takes a moment longer than non creative types.
How does this serve me as a submissive?
It’s an incredible gift when powerfully cued , and offsetting when I am distractible.
It’s been a long journey to embrace my creativity and way of being in this world, its been hard won.
A scar was touched on, a scar that whispers, inside of me, oh you fucked up, draw your lines straighter, attune and pay attention. Your inability to do this marks you as different, an outsider, inept.
I took a triage approach, accepted that my felt reaction was something far older than the now, processed and let go.
I walk the inner and outer world with greater or less degrees of precision dependent on what I have been caught up in..and at this point in my life given that I have a fair grasps on my strengths and faultlines, I let people into my intimate space who have some awareness and tolerance for drift.
For as sure as I have a capacity for drift, which enables me to see and experience the subterranean qualities to the phenomena around me, I also have a capacity, when compelled or taken by a perception, sensation, idea, or person to give it 500% of myself and then some.
This double edged sword can be harnessed to the good or damned.
I continue to strive to harness it to the good, for all those that I love, and all that I love.