Posts Tagged ‘addiction’

Hi, my name is cat and I am addicted to endorphins, help me.

In D/s, Bdsm, On Art/writing/creativity on March 21, 2009 at 3:53 pm

Oh,God what a rush dawn was.Took my morning coffee on to my deck overlooking such panoramic splendor that I was literally catatonic with pleasure.
God’s finger gently stroked the denimed atlantic, the cliffs ascended all shale and hearty from the wooly waters and the dew point twelve miles out inclined me towards you, babe.

Houses popped jumbled jellybeans,sleepy eyed windows opening lazily to the sun…

Effervescence. Jesus. I’m mute with the beauty.


Read a thread on Fet the other day where some chick writes that her Dom told her it was possible for her to become addicted to the endorphin rush released by pain.

Hey, I’m in. I have a theory.Many things give me sublime pause,I Am an endorphin junkie…personally I believe I was born with several hundred excess endorphin receptors in my brain…upswing for me is not a rarity, it is a series of peaks in my daily life.
I get off on such a range of stimuli..pondering obscure philosophical nonsense such as those fuked nineteenth century german writers can make me swoon, reading theological discourse in grad school had me cumming..NOT the prof’s intent,my frontal lobes knock together almost obscenely when fingering a thesaurus.

I DRINK in the world around me, and yeah,I swallow not spit.
It’s why I wear sunglasses when I go out as I have mentioned elsewhere. Pleasure’s such a private thing..and I find pleasure in so much.

I seem to give off some sort of pheromonal trail..this chicks a live wire..it’s in my eyes..and so..I am careful who gets to see the way I experience the world around me on my face.

ALWAYS been the first one in my crowd to jump into the lake, off the cliff, reach the mountain top.

Of course this has its liabilities, this greater than average capacity for joy pushes one towards the edge of a form of social autism.

However..for one who does want to sit in the cockpit with me, it’s going to be a hell of a ride.

Hi.My name is Cat.I am addicted to endorphins.Help me.




On Liminality, trancing, Bdsm and the sublime

In D/s, Bdsm, Philosophy..sociological commentary on March 13, 2009 at 3:15 am

” Liminality (from the Latin word līmen, meaning “a threshold”

is a psychological, neurological, or metaphysical subjective, conscious state of being on the “threshold” of or between two different existential planes,

as defined in neurological psychology (a “liminal state”) and in the anthropological theories of ritual by such writers as Arnold van Gennep, Victor Turner, and others. In the anthropological theories, a ritual, especially a rite of passage, involves some change to the participants, especially their social status.

The liminal state is characterized by ambiguity, openness, and indeterminacy. One’s sense of identity dissolves to some extent, bringing about disorientation. Liminality is a period of transition where normal limits to thought, self-understanding, and behavior are relaxed – A SITUATION WHICH CAN LEAD TO NEW PERSPECTIVES. (My emphasis)

People, places, or things may not complete a transition, or a transition between two states may not be fully possible. Those who remain in a state between two other states may become permanently liminal.”

From Wikopedia..online dictionary.

Renegade savant Chasing Rabbits & Hookah Smoking Caterpillars posted a provocative piece this morning on the mind altering impact of magic mushrooms and other pyschodelic drugs.What rene was speaking to was as I see it the ability of these substances to enhance our entry into the Liminal, as described above.

As an individual schooled in the sociological, philosophical and theological,I have long been fascinated by the entire arena of the liminal..that is those life crossroads, religious rituals, drug highs, and erotic experiences that enable us to transcend everyday awareness.

Entering the liminal ,we are as the above passage so beautifully defines, in a state where our long held perceptions of ourselves and others, in short our definition of REALITY may be shattered.

Indigenous peoples the globe over have refined and passed on spiritual rituals to safeguard those participating in such quests..often engaged in at seminal rites of passage moments to mark the changing of one’s status ..or to answer some question related to inner or collective journeys..

Much of the knowledge regarding entering and moving thru the liminal has been passed down as esoteric knowledge..that is knowledge that is not common everyday and is learned, taught, ect.

Perhaps here in the “western” world with our emphasis on individualism..much of this knowledge has been lost.I see many youth gangs ect, as an attempt to retribe to this knowledge..to create form and ritual to the experiences many hunger for..the edge of reason and then the safe journey back, with the gifts of heightened and altered awareness.

Unfortunately , the sage is missing in all this..the skilled shaman so to speak, and the navigation..which was always dangerous, when sought after solo or within a group banded by violence and frustration becomes lethal and destructive..

Do we need ritual and skilled knowledgeable mediators when entering the liminal?

or can we just drop a drug,solo, push the limits of erotic experience with one not trained and aware of the dangers, speak directly to whatever that experience we lamely call god( the hebrews refused to say the name of god..said it was unknowable..) without the middle man of organized religion?

It is interesting..the mystics of every different world faith have more in common with one another than they do those that are within the faith they claim to hold. What do I mean by this?

Whether Buddhist, zen, Hindu, Christian, ect..those who have had mystical experiences within these organized frameworks hold much more in common experientially..a sufi with a christan for example then those within that religion that have not.

The writings describe a remarkably similar experience of intoxication ..call it a “god” drunk or whatever..it is a peak at the unitive consciousness, that as described by Rene,or others can also be had by dropping a pyschodelic, or by participating in erotic trance dancing..

A sudden horrific life “accident” can do this as well..shatter our belief systems, as can a positive one..many men for example state that watching their own child being birthed was the closest they have ever come to a semi mystical life altering transition..

I beleive many people long for the liminal..within D/s and Bdsm it dances..this should be obvious..

I have experienced many different types of drug highs, various altered energy experiences, the speaking in tongues, flying lucid dreams, and no surprise..I trance deeply erotically..the endorphin hit is mind and body altering, requires ritual to safeguard me, and “bliss” is surely an apt descriptor..but even then inadequate to the places I go..

it is as if curtains upon curtains open the deeper I enter, revealing whole worlds that appear to evolve out of body travel. My atoms seem to dissolve and the distance between myself and other falls away.
Lucifer and I have tranced from thousands of miles of physical separation and yet his presence and physical emotional and mental energies have been as palpable as if he were next to me. I have felt and seen my body change as if touched. Talk about astral..smiling..

Crack is phenomenally mind blowing, and yet, it is an external substance..having experienced its erotic intensity and also having experienced …. trance dancing..I would have to say that the external substance somehow left me with a horrifically solo sense as opposed to unitive..

My mind/body is reaching greater highs than I ever did on a drug..and it feels mystical in a positive way because at heart I am sharing it with the trance master I dance with.

I for one, believe that the routes to the liminal are more safely approached thru drumming, dancing, trancing , tantric sexuality than any external substance..

We are not a culture unlike past cultures that have a lore and knowledge to help us INTEGRATE the life changing experiences a drug can give us.

Natural endorphins can push us as closely to the edge..

Part of the beauty of what there is so much talk here about protecting..the “culture” is an attempt to safeguard those who would enter such life altering experiences thru D/s and S/m..

without guides we play alone like a couple of three year olds and a box of matches..

The culture is an attempt to safeguard those who would journey thru the liminal.

re read the definition of Liminal at the top..is that not the door we open?

As such. The wisdom of the “elders’ and those who have journeyed furthur into this world is invaluable..

As Max Faust and his partner have spoken to in several recent posts..the goal is one of enhancement,and not to lose one’s mind, but to gain it…to see thru altered experience that the emperor has no clothes, to integrate it and then to live it with dignity and simplicity..

The pharmaceutical industry is the top corporate industry in the western world.
We are a society hungry for meaning out of the cultural madness we are in and we are doped beyond recognition in our dissent. Marx predicted this.

To seek the liminal whether thru dropping a pyschodelic, engaging in spiritual ritual or tantric sex..is to be in effect an outlaw..

to leave civilian status behind in search of a greater truth..

I hold to no one truth…I dislike dogmas of all stripes..I am suspicious of the priests, cops, educators, and any self purported expert..however..I do see the need for the wisdom of the culture to be protected and passed..

If you have read this far..thank you..

Just a pile of morning thoughts that rene..(often happens when I read her) has spurred..

What do you think about altered consciousnesses? Does the liminal need safeguading and ritual within this culture?? Leave a comment..


Relationships, how to Avoid the Heartbreak

In D/s, Bdsm, Philosophy..sociological commentary on March 13, 2009 at 3:07 am

I have a theory of relationships.

I have a theory that it all begins at the beginning.

WTF you say? Bear with me.

I believe that it is all quite simply there at the beginning.

The Alpha and the Omega so to speak.

As I look back over almost 3 decades of adult relationships I see

a pattern. In the first rosy initial stages of getting to know one

another people are not as invested and though it may seem as if

it is then that we present our best selves it is also when

the clues are laid for the events to come.

It is then we casually drop hints of what we are all about

before we become so invested that we feel we may in fact have

something or someone to lose.

We cast our side of past relationships in a positive light

we cast ourselves in a positive light

Behind all light lies a shadow

It is then that people often let slip the so called negative

traits that are part of their makeup as “jokes” and we laugh back

basking in the glow of a newly minted attraction.

I have experienced some ironic and painful reversals that way:

the crack addict who set himself up as a recovery guru

pirating material daily from a recovery house for a blog that got

international exposure one as a way to meet women and two because

he so desperately wanted to believe his own bull

Guess who got sucked into that one?

As we past the initial stage and I began to question the

discrepancy between his writer’s voice and values and the other

persona that was emerging he was always there with a ready answer

for the contradictions.. Oh you have to have a little yin with the


Well, he wasn’t actively using again until we were living together

and the pressures of a real relationship were on.

I will never forget the day I screamed at him in complete dismay

Why did you lie to me about so much?

His cold level eyed answer: Because if I HADN’T YOU NEVER WOULD


There you have it, a sociopath when the gloves come off.

This person even went so far as to read up on and study my

interests so he could pretend they were shared.

I almost wound up a nameless corpse in a dumpster from that


My point is there were small red flags which I in my infatuation


Another relationship was so intense going in.

No body had ever swept me sideways as this man.

I was “the one” he declared at a point so early, a red flag was

waving wildly.

But he was just so beautiful with his words actions romance

that I wanted to believe despite my inner stirrings that

I was not falling quite so fast and my protestations to him that

wasn’t it all just a bit too speeded?

Nonsense’ he claimed.

Turned out this one was unmedicated bipolar and when I crashed

off his pedstal or you could say he inevitably crashed off

his pedastal the bones of my heart were broke.



In a little cafe I worked at while on the lam from the crack cake

and his charming buds;

we were told each morning to put the pieces of cheesecake from

the day before in the forefront of the display case.


Beside publicly showing the egg on my face side of some of my

relationship history;

my point is this:

if it looks too good to be true it often is!


You have to guard your own moat.

It was why we were given intuition and a brain.

and guaranfukinteed if you come off as a damsel in distress

there will be some personality disordered knight begging to save

your sorry ass.

It won’t look that way

It will look like love.

It is not.

It is all there from the beginning.

The Alpha and the Omega


Really put your own needs aside long enough to question


is in front of you;

long enough to decide if this is a kettle of fish you

can accept in all their good bad and ugly;(that is love).

Sense the way the wind is blowin

for a change.



and then something amazing might happen;


You begin to see your own weaknesses and flaws and vulnerabilities.

Is it flattery; an easy ride; the promise of being taken care of?

Is it hot sex?

It’s all there in the beginning


Shhhhhhhhhhh, you just may go quiet enough to hear it for a change.

Real people do not come off

as superheroes going in.

Welcome to the ball, Cinderella-fella

Morning thoughts,Cat

Bdsm, an addiction?

In D/s, Bdsm, Philosophy..sociological commentary on March 12, 2009 at 5:55 pm

Was talking recently with Lucifer about the nature of power.
Something he’s never lost for commentary on…I’ve mused and queried on here before about the nature of “Dom space” because I have always liked to ask Dominants..where do you go, what is it you feel exactly…because I want to know the parallels to the intoxicating rapture I can experience in submission.

Do you get “high” also? And if so..tell me about that..where do you feel it in your body? HOW do you experience it in your mind?

I talked about the high from masochistic submission being akin to the esctasy of a drug, not unlike crack..the flung out peakin and plateauing roller ride that is spacin..its godspace or devil space however you choose to see it..

Lucifer agreed there is an altered state of consciousness that for the dominant is intoxicating.But rather than floating..there is a sharpened and intense focus…and he said…a drunkeness with the sheer POWER can occur..that absolute power can corrupt absolutely…that it is as addictive as trancin..and must be kept in rein for the safety of the submissive.

So it would seem that both Dominant and submissive can drink from an intoxicating brew that CAN be addictive, requiring deeper and deeper kicks to get off. In the same manner that an addict requires more to reach the original highs.

I wonder if the same brain chemicals that cascade so powerfully with the ingestion of estatic substances are triggered in D/s and S/m..I think that for those who weild the power and those that trance in the face of a Master..there ARE parallels..bodily, emotionally and mentally..and yes, biochemically..it is after all ritualistic..and rituals are meant to bring us out of everyday awareness into the dream/nightmare venue that is semi religious, life altering..

And, it can go out of balance..he shared with me the story of a Bdsm house that has come to resemble a crack shack as the owner descended more and more into the depravity of Dominance..

What’s my thoughts on this? perhaps…a spiritual awareness of the trip that is D/s and S/m would bring the discipline neccessary to not have ones addiction to these rapturous states spin out of control..swallowed by the dragon rather than ridin it..

Questions for both Dominants and submissives alike..have you experienced your cravings for the altered mind states that are evoked AS AN ADDICTION?

Have you ever been concerned about the impact of this”addiction” on your LIFE?

What do YOU do..to keep what is savagely sublime…in check?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this…Cat.