Posts Tagged ‘online relationships’

Welcome to the online D/s jungle. Why follow protocol?

In D/s, Bdsm on April 17, 2009 at 10:22 pm

D/s or some variant of it, has exploded on the net. Like most things via the net, this has been enormously beneficial for those who would wish to explore those urges and inklings, to meet and greet, and to be educated.

However, there has been a downside and that has been the weakening of protocols that existed in local D/s communities.

Those who take the culture seriously, and this is a subculture in every sociological sense of the word, replete with its own esoteric knowledge, practices, rituals of iniation and celebration..

honor these rituals and practices, seek to understand that the whys and wherefores exist to protect both the participants and the integrity of the culture itself.

One practice that has weakened in the online explosion is that of addressing the dominant of a known submissive if  one wishes to communicate with said submissive.

This practice exists for the following reasons, the submissive is either owned or collared property..a statement of possession and/or protection.

The submissive  is ( in a healthy and dynamic M/s or D/s relationship ) under the tutelage, mentorship or engaged in fullblown power exchange with their Dominant.

The Dominant hopefully has earned the respect and trust of their submissive/s that they have their best interests and growth as core values.

The submissive is not left to judge character alone nor make decisions in isolation.

Ownership states  to the community and to the D/s couple..the Dominant is to

cherish and value the submission that has been offered, and the submissive is to adhere  to the direction and service the Dominant.

When meeting online those that would claim to be either Dominant or submissive, one litmus test of their authenticity is this..do they respect this one initial aspect of protocol?

If they violate it with impunity or appear to regard it as archaic..they compromise their integrity.

Just a word to those online in the D/s community seeking ..whatever..protocol is a way to safeguard relationships and community boundaries..

Picture re, my Dominant,and collaborator in art, Lucifer Lazerus. Check out his very cool website at http://www.Luciferlazerus.com

I am happy to correspond with like minded individuals, but request that you approach him prior to this if you also lay claim to Dominant status.

That way there is so much less ruckus over the dinkies in the sandbox.



Long distance D/s relationships. Surviving and thriving.

In D/s, Bdsm on April 17, 2009 at 4:00 pm

I am in an Ldr.

They are not for the faint of heart.

In the absence of community,

couples can find themselves isolated. How does one work the challenges  that invariably come with sustaining aM/s or  D/s relationship via distance?

One key is to not become completely isolated. Be part of a community online together,  reach out to others, do not sink into obscurity.

Significant relationships are embedded within a social context, the LDR faces special challenges this way.

The ldr allows us to communicate and grow with another we perhaps never would have met another way, however these relationships are challenged by lonliness, lack of physical proximities, and costs of travel.

Most would agree that to sustain one long term a relocation is eventually on the table. But what to do while figuring this out?

Here is some advice.

1. Use all mediums to establish consistent routines of contact and communication.

2.  Learn about D/s at a distance..it can thrive!  However it can also challenge the strongest of couples.

3. Early on , ask for and validate the identity of the individual one is getting to know.

4. Talk , talk, talk about expectation and have a JOINT game plan for how to handle the invariable down times and crises.

5. Meet when it becomes feasible to do so. These relationships are very real, and meeting is paramount.

6. Cyber is no longer the antiquated creature it once was limited to ICQ and texting..scening is possible and the limits are only your creativity.

7. Communicate, communicate, communicate! it does not always have to be heavy, in fact that will work against you, but share the various aspects of your separate lives.

8. Watch movies, porn, visit art sites online, send videos of your locales ,and yourself in a spectrum of activities.

9. Let the cams run..it’s the next best thing to being there, without always having to talk..this can be very enjoyable and revealing.

10. Keep your outside contacts and friends..remain multidimensional!

Just a short little list..I will revisit this topic tomorrow, ..ps, pics are my tribute to spring..me in my baseball cap and shades! bring on the daffodils.

Oh, reminds me..send snail mail, and flowers are always a delightful surprise, make the gifts personal..a small wallet picture ect..

have a great friday eve, cat


Upcoming podcast and info on cyborg sexuality art series..

In D/s, Bdsm, Daily news update..art,writing, collaborations, upcoming events, Philosophy..sociological commentary on April 2, 2009 at 8:30 am

Soon to be on the website http://www.luciferlazerus.com, on my gallery page there, compliments of my partner, Lucifer..an audiocast version of my upcoming collection of some 30 poems , prose and commentary..The Psalm of the Masochist.

Re, the pic to the side..I did a series of pics exploring the relationship of the self and sexuality to the technological mediums that are morphing and merging with our experiences of the erotic.

I have written elsewhere that I do not believe that technology is conquering human sexuality so much as human sexuality is trumping technology, we are adapting it, rather than it adapting us.

I am going to be writing a series of commentaries on the cyborg self to complement the photos, some of which can be seen on http://www.deviantart.com under poecatt.

I was fascinated by the juxtaposition of the warmth of flesh and the expression of emotion thru the technologies of cam, phone, voice ect..the juxtaposition of metal and plastic and the distance experience with the realities of  an expanding view of what it is to be both erotic, and sexual …and in particular as this relates to D/s .

Wikopedia has stated under their definition of D/s that the number of relationships that are developing online has jumped prolifically within this community..there is much fodder for thought here, and I will be returning with several posts to this topic.

However, Wikopedia attributes the rise to the fact that the main elements at play in a D/s relationship are psychological and emotional..two arenas that can be as delved in thru these mediums as within the same physical space.

I am going to have alot of fun with the art for these pieces..stay tuned, and please offer up your thoughts and musings.

Just a dash, busy day. Check back for an expanded post tonight and over the weekend.

have a great one.


Ten things to be aware of when being approached by a Dominant.

In D/s, Bdsm on March 25, 2009 at 10:39 am

1. A Dominant interested in a POTENTIAL relationship with you will always approach you as a person worthy of respect.

2. This will mean that initially sexuality will take a backseat. If you are asked for sexual favors immediatly as in ” show me what you have” they are exploiting the situation for personal gratification, which speaks of a lack of character, and the inability to withhold that personal gratification long enough to establish whether you actually have something of value to offer one another.

3. They will not as the rapport develops, hesitate to direct you to character references, or to out their own identity.

4. They will show interest in the whole of your person, good fits in D/s take many things into consideration.

5. They will be clear on what they seek..if they waffle in this, then it is a red flag.

6. Look for the qualities of an empathetic listener. That they are attending not just to themselves, but to you..a good fit is multifaceted.

7. Codes of speech and conduct vary, however while both are considering how they might proceed, if your intuition tells you someone is moving too fast , trust your instincts, state this upfront, and if it is brushed off, leave..it is the beginnings of a dynamic which will always put you second( or not really in the equation at all)

8. It is perfectly acceptable and smart to ask them about their history in D/s.

You should know these things and individuals of integrity will not mind speaking to this.

9. Submission  develops vis a vis another and is earned by the other, quite simply. It is not a fact but a journey, you can acknowledge a Dominant with respect, but you are not their submissive until things become established.

10. D/s may have a strong erotic component , indeed it colors much of the dynamic in power exchange, but the primary qualities of the relationship remain mutual respect,trust and integrity of both parties. Not lust.

Eroticism is the beautiful flower that develops out of an exchange built on these things.

My thoughts. YMMV.

feel free to leave comments whether agreeing, disagreeing, ect.


On the ethics and safety of Online subspace or trance space.

In D/s, Bdsm on March 21, 2009 at 4:10 pm

but given that there is sort of a generic understanding as to what the term encompasses, I’ll use it here.

Whether online /on the phone/or offline it is a state of altered consciousness predicated by power exchange. A state of altered consciousness not unlike ingesting a drug, given its powerful effects on the body…altered perception of time and space,altered auditory and sensual perception, altered heart rate, effects on blood pressure, ect.

I don’t know how common it is to experience subspace at a distance, to be cued by the non physical, but it should not be surprising , our capacity to do so, given that all perception begins with mind. Given certain dynamics,I’m wildly responsive to cues other than tactile.

I’ve only experienced it intensely in circumstances other than in the direct physcial prescence of others with three play partners.. “play” again a term I dislike, but oh, well.

In all these cases, I have felt the impact on my body in various ways..sound warps,my heart beat races and slows,the awareness of the other is simulataneously focused and diffuse, and I am unable to stand….

Theres talking kink..which most of us can do..hopefully..and then theres doing space, which I will call trancedancing.Trance dancing is to talking kink what doing kink is to doing vanilla.

To get to my point I was talking with a dominant last eve,who was “appalled” that other dominants would endeavor to evoke this state in another at a distance. Well, I have two things to say here..

one/ is that again it is the responsibility of the sub to know her/himself well enough to identify to the other when this has begun to happen..I have found that the other parties have KNOWN either by my face on cam or by my voice,

And two/ yes. It can be dangerous. As the submissive in trance dancin or let’s say the one who is being directed in power exchange my experience has been that the Dom usually leaves the session with a sense of satiation..
as in what a good meal that just was..sharper and gratified, while I have woken hours later ? disorientated and confused, still half tranced and alone.

It ia a very solo way to come out of trancedancin as the onus is on oneself to provide one’s own aftercare. The situation is a perfect context for the unpleasantries and dangers of drop.

A phone call the next day, a warm email focusing on the submissives well being helps.
In the abscence of these, I’d have to ask myself..how interested in my wellbeing, how ethical is the dominant I am playing with, being. I’ve dropped an online play partner from my chat utility for this reason.

As submissives, we cannot abdicate responsibility for our own wellbeing just because we are in the prescence of someone who identifies as dominant.

Know yourself. If you’re INANELY autosuggestive, like I am..Acknowledge it and be careful of with whom and how you play online.
Your capacity for trancedancin is your gift, not the sole perogative of the dominant…regardless of whatever bag of tricks they may carry to take you there.

I’ve talked to Dominants who feel so strongly about the ethics of going there at a distance , that although capable, they refuse to. Talked to others that feel assured of their ability to provide aftercare at a distance. If kink is foreplay…trancedancin is the orgasmic.

Stay aware of who you enter power exchange with..stay safe.

I’d like some feedback from those who have opinions on this or experiences to share , whether top or bottom.

Ps. I have just woken after near 24 hours of sleep.Wrapped in blankets drinking lemon tea. Still reviving from this kamikaze cold and still warming to all offers of empathy…IM lemon drop kisses and the like. It will pass but right now I look like something I dragged in. Smirx. Small purr..


On Long distance relationships.

In D/s, Bdsm on March 14, 2009 at 5:40 pm

Omg, I feel the need to crawl on to a soapbox. Annoying that urge. I’ve been a social activist for two decades of my life and for the past few it has been wonderfully in remission.

I come here  for a couple of reasons..
# 1 the sheer enjoyment of participating in an online community of..ah..like minded people

# 2 given my geographical location which shall remain
my private business..to MEET like minded people

# 3 to shall we say..expose ..my writing.

been reading a variety of posts on the nays and yays of LDR’s recently & it comes down to this..people tend to write out of their experience. If you’ve had or are having a good one with this venue of meeting people, you tend to expound on its virtues, if you have been run over by an online that did not make it offline or did so traumatically you whine.

I have been meeting people thru the net for a number of years now. There exist online communities I have participated in that have nothing to do with kink, and the connections have been tight, poignant, and sustaining when the local community was not.

I’ve met people thru this venue..the net..that have enriched my life and altered it incomparably to what it would have been if I had not had this tool to meet.

Long distance online relationships being one thing..long distance online romances being another. Ultimately it comes down to a meet and greet. There remains much to miss thru that little window on someone else’s world. If you are NOT sharp…which I was not initially ..it can make for encounters that range from the hilarious to the destructive..

However..one hopes you learn from experience and get smarter
at picking up on cues and asking intelligent questions.

I will borrow an example here from someone who means the world to me…IF someone confides that they pointed a gun at someone..and fired..you learn to ask..um..was this a random act..or were you provoked and if, so, tell me about that….

Laughing here.

The emotions evoked, and the intimacies, thru the cam,phone and text are as real as anything else..they just lack the full meal deal dimension. It is up to the parties involved to bring it into the same physical sphere, if indeed that is the goal.

I don’t advise anyone to get “collared ” online.Seems an opp for idle to prey on the vulnerable.

The point is we are talking power exchange here..and you need all your wits about you,if you are truly going to venture down that road with some one else.

Still, I remain an advocate or at the very least tolerant of the net as a means for meeting others , especially at a distance, and then staying awake to what is going down, what needs are getting met, which aren’t and how the two of you propose to move forward with that.

Seems that the LDR’s are not for the faint of heart..but then, neither is anything really.. stay awake, stay safe,try

try (lol) to stay sane.

Some connections are never meant to make it offline..but then some marriages should have never made it to the altar.

I have travelled many miles to meet and greet..and at the end of the day..been faced with the very same challenges I’ve faced in meeting the local yokels.

Your mileage may vary….

Ps. if what you REALLY want at the end of the day, is to be HELD at the end of the night..I would advise not pouring a year of emotions into things PRIOR to meeting. Make haste..or waste. Your choice. Lol

D/s and bdsm..Online and offline scening and the differences between.

In D/s, Bdsm on March 14, 2009 at 5:22 pm

There exist so called purists who scoff at online scening.

They go so far as to claim that such experiences cannot fall

under the rubric of Bdsm. For me this is akin to the guy or gal

who steadfastly maintains…I do not beleive in marriage…

or , hell one could fill in the blank with just about anything..

lets say ..I do not beleive in helicopters…( I am inane here to make a point) somethings exist..

whether YOU beleive in them or not.

They are simply facts, your choice how you feel about them.

The truth is many people enjoy online play.

As a phenomena that has grown within the Bdsm comminity , the

practice of online kink is here to stay whether you are part of

it or not.

Technology has brought us to the point where the use of cammin,

the phone, and now, other more exotic alternatives..(thinking of

the sensor suit I was recently told about)have exploded the

ways and means to “reach out and touch ” someone.

The play is highly mental..emotional and thought energy as

real and impacting as offline, and yes, physical…one can

be directed to physical acts….the things I have witnessed..

um , I won’t go there at the moment.

Dominance and submission certainly occur online…and the

exchanges cause physiological changes in those scening..

AS I have written elsewhere, I have had welts rise on my body in

response to the suggestion of a hit while deeply tranced,

and I have the side of my face turn red as reaction to the

verbal cue of a slap…

I’ve seen people self flagellate and I’ve been taught a few

tricks along the way to enhance my own masochistic drive…

I’ve engaged in fireplay online…not a smart move when in a

submissive spin out..think household insurance..laughing

but my point is it’s here to stay whether you purists want to

acknowledge the pyschological and emotional and physiological

impact or not. It’s real..and it is not going to die out.

Here’s the difference…as play its a wonderful adjunct to our

sexuality and the means thru which it can manifest. However, at

the end of the day..given the intimacy of what we do..it is best


casual players..or those who have met or know they are going to


To become emotionally entangled thru such play in an ongoing

relationship with no thoughts of meeting..ups the ante that

someone is going to be emotionally hurt if both parties are not

on the same page.

And really, how can one know this …that the page is shared..

ultimately without an offline meet?

So here’s my stance on it..its a wonderful tool to explore

your sexuality casually ..if that’s your game …a tool to

enhance the intimacy of a distance relationship if you cannot

physically be together all the time…

but a place and space to wander into with full awareness of its

potency.Its impact IS real.

Be candid with yourself about the risks…and what it is you


The frontier, like all Bdsm is your heart and your mind..

waking alone, not feeling the hands, mouth ,cock, cunt, body of another

directly on/in yours..has its pricetag.

Safe, sane and consensual…apply to online Bdsm as much as


Its not inferior, just different and much as I enjoy

online play…nothing once one has become on a real wavelength

with another..be they Dominant or submissive, sadist or masochist

substitutes for flesh on flesh.



Morning ponder.

And yeah, helicopters exist whether
I want to admit it or not.

Thoughts . Opinions, dissenting arguments…I would welcome you leave your comment.

Turning Cyborg, Do You cyber?

In D/s, Bdsm, Philosophy..sociological commentary on March 14, 2009 at 4:58 pm

I find the whole topic of virtual identity fascinating….that place where private and public media interface…identity fractures,morphs and mutates sending spliced versions of self careening along invisible channels into a veritable explosion of neighboring hive like cells.

I could go in multiple directions with this..it’s long been a fascination of mine,technology’s impact on the shaping of the self..but I am going to address the erotic.

Specifically…how has computer technology,cellular technology and the like impacted your erotic history?

What does the term cyber mean to you? And if you “cyber”, how has that extension of technology’s reach impacted your sense of yourself as a sexual being?

How has it impacted your own emotional and cognitive experience of a personal and idiosyncratic sexual history?

We can use avatars to represent ourselves in 3-d virtual worlds now..trying on genders and persuasions with complete anonyminity.

We can interact with individuals both geographically and socially far flung from where we ourselves are situated….

Still, given all that,like does tend to find like, and things remain less democratic than they seem..individuals retaining all their senses for picking up on cues on social status and power.

There is often here a versed argument, almost a hierarchy of order as to the relevancy and significance of experience…I’ve written on this subject in another post ..that what passes for online is somehow less relevant, impacting and “real” than offline.

Well, we are NOT turning cyborg, the age HAS arrived.

And for you folks who are the equivalent of the Luddites protesting the rise of the factories during the Industrial Era by smashing and looting..you will at the end of the day..have no more success than they did. Laughing.

This is Real. There are teenagers coming of age now who are having their first significant sexual emotional experiences online…what does that mean in terms of the construct of a personal sexual history?

Are terms like virginity mutating into something that involves a mouse and text rather than interpersonal touch?

And who are you as sexual being,with your mouse and your keyboard and your cell phone and your webcam ?

G  asked recently in her blog..what do you think of as sex?

Surely any answer now has to take into account the role technology plays….

I’d like a photo of me wrapped and bound by a landline cord,vibrating cell phone shoved inside my cunt,mouse rolling along my tongue…cams hung from the ceiling..

Just freaking wired for sound. For the sheer irony. ‘cept its no longer ironic..it won’t be for the next generation..

Think about this..there will be no irony left. Cyborg are us.com

Is here.

Cyborg…part human, part technological being. Mythos?


What does the term “cyber” mean to you…and if you “cyber” in some way,shape, or form..there’s multiple means.. are you in fact, part “cyborg?” Forget passing a value judgement. Just answer the question.

Don’t pull a Clinton and say it’s not “real” cyber if orgasm is not involved…cat

Online D/s and S/m scening.

In D/s, Bdsm on March 14, 2009 at 10:06 am

The ropes of online play.

D/s is primarily a psychological and and emotional paradigm of power exchange between two or more people.
Those that engage in Dominance and submission, do so with a wide spectrum of acts ,both erotic(Bdsm) and non erotic to practice from.
Online Bdsm communities and D/s communities have become more and more visible with the sheer numbers of people on the internet.So let’s say you have met somebody or somebodies…( highly likely) through the net and you want to know how to engage in safe D/s, and S/m practices online.

Where do you find information?

I can’t tell you of specific links and articles. I know femdom sites have been a bit more open writing on such subjects, so that could be a place to start whatever your preference or orientation.

Here are some things you should know before you play online.

1. Online play can be safe, mutually rewarding and intensely erotic.

2.Dominance and submission can be engaged in without harm to those involved, however, outside of your local community it is more challenging, tho not impossible to verify the reputation and identity of the other player.

3. I believe those that practice D/s and S/m online need to be MUCH more attuned to their partner’s wellbeing,as you are simply not physically present for any pyschological and/or physical fallout.

4. For the above reason I do not recommend engaging in various types of what we call Edge play unless in
a relationship where there has been much communication on this, and a real learning curve of getting to know one another..particularly the submissive or masochist’s emotional and bodily responses.

5.The Dominant/sadist HAS to know that the submissive/masochist will LISTEN to their authority should they decide for safety’s sake to cut a scene short or alter it.You have to have established a wavelength.

6.The submissive/masochist HAS to know that their partner has their safety emotionally, pyschologically and physically paramount in their priorities.

7. This does not happen overnight.

8. If you subspace, how deeply and under what conditions you subspace, how you act in subspace, what brings you out safely all has to be discussed and discussed again, as well as watched astutely by the Dominant.

9. If someone is simply seeking power over a submissive, or to render them capable of performing “tricks” they are not invested enough to be playing with.

10. Signs of shock have to be closely watched for( harder on telephone then cam), but it depends on the intimacy established between the couple.Shock can happen in the abscence of physical phenomena, and shows with shallow breathing, and dusky bluish finger tips and mouth.

11. After care consists of de-scening, as well as contact the next day and access throughout the night and encouragement for the submissive to reach out. Never leave a scene online abruptly.

12. Individual couples will communicate about WHAT they experienced to know what works for them..

What can be done online..

Well, just about everything that can be done offline ( but in the abscence of the other’s touch.)

Directing someone in breath play or AEA is incredibly risky and I would not go there.

(other types of edge play can be engaged in, but again, mutual trust and mutual knowledge of one another are paramount.) Same goes with humiliation play, mind fucking, behavioral modification..

If you subspace deeply or trance whether it is just to vocal cues or to actual directed physical practices, the Dominant should ensure the safety of the sub by not having them stand prematurely.

Self cuffing again, is a very unwise idea.

Bondage practices are NOT a good idea online.

Blade play,self flagellation, candle play, blood play,fetishes which involve the insertion of any number of kinds of objects are less risky, however you need to know how deeply the submissive partner trances to either of these.
They should have their own first aid kit and a safety phone number..

Don’t space your submissive on the cell phone while they are driving, laughable but it happens..

Dominants, have the submissive walk around, change activities, have a drink of water, or a snack in front of you, make sure they are entirely grounded before contact ends.

Know the subtle physical signs of the masochist or submissive spacing, their eyes, mouths, breathing, skin coloring, movements, voice tone changes..

This is not a how to about online D/s..basically all applies that would apply offline in establishing dominance and submission..the tasks, the pacing, ect. the discipline and the rewards..

However for both parties due to not being physically in the same room, certain risks are higher, and for that very reason , I do not see this as casual play. It calls for a slower learning curve, deepening intimacy, and feeling assured that who you are engaged with does in fact care deeply for your wellbeing, and is astute enough and committed to put the time into getting to know you before rapidly diving these waters.

Some dominants are online simply to push too far too fast, and some submissives are not well enough pyschologically for this kind of play.

It is up to you to determine who’s who.

Final word, never be afraid to reach out in the D/s S/m community if something does not feel right. Someone who demands total privacy is probably not a place to go…

Happy and safe online playing, Cat