Still stormed in here.
Almost a week into the official arrival of spring and I have been scrambling thru white out conditions to get to the corner store.
I’m thinking back this morning to where I was a couple of years ago to this date. In a shelter, a couple of days arrival into a city I had been transported to for reasons of safety. A city that was awash in cherry blossom petals, they paved the streets…
In a shelter for women and children leaving abusive relationships, shocking to me because I had been an abuse counsellor for over a decade prior to this relationship.
Mute, traumatized, and undone. The relationship only lasted six months prior to my leavetaking, but I began a process of coming to terms with how it all went down to begin with.
In retrospect, I believe it could only happen because of the situation I found myself in, far from my home..and the life timing..
When I met the person who was to become so monstrous, I was actively grieving an enormous life loss, and as all cons do, this person knew how to work that vulnerability.
It’s a black hole, almost surreal, in my personal life story..but there is a message I want to speak to..
Anyone, regardless of who you think you are, can find themselves in this sort of mess, the shame is not in landing there,what is pivitol is the pride one should take and awareness that one has the skills to get out.
As I arrived there, as many do, without a thing to my name, I was given a voucher for 100 dollars for clothing and personals..
at a connected thrift operation.
I recall the pain and confusion as I, a woman who had been independent, so very independent in many ways all my adult life, went to pick out a sweater to wear around the city in the spring weather.
Reconnecting to my sense of selfhood, oh, I like this fabric, that cut,I deserve this.
It was horrendously difficult, I had lost my “I”.
My partner,I really do NOT know what to call him,had a very dominant personality, despite not being a Dominant, he employed all the same mind fuks ect, but without limits and ethics that exist in a healthy D/s relationship..his motives were pathological.
In D/s there is a certain amount of loss of self that is given over in trust..by the submissive..and that is why the ethics and borders, and mutual respect are crucial.
I believe that as a submissive, it is integral that I have and experience a strong sense of the “I’, as my touchstone , while experiencing the loss of the “I’ that is part of the gift of submission.
Submissives need to hold each other up in this, Dominants need to negotiate and be aware of selfhood issues for those they take on.
I know some may feel differently on this..but whether it is submission or slave status,how can one give what one does not have?
If you do not have a “self” you cannot employ it in the service of another or yourself.
Abuse belittles and destroys the self …in a healthy D/s dynamic the self is given a container within which to grow.
I will be continuing my thoughts on this in the next post.
Hope your week is going well, cherry blossom petals on my mind while I listen to the crooning foghorn and watch the dovegreyed skies, shaking out flakes , as we say here, the old one brushes with her broom..hopefully but not likely the last touch of winter.