Posts Tagged ‘relationship breakdown’

Apathy is worse than hate.

In D/s, Bdsm on April 9, 2009 at 10:10 pm

Hate is still hot, still engaged. In many cases it is good for us to drop hate, to disengage.  Ever play the game tug of war as an adult, with a real rope?

If one suddenly drops the end, the other has nothing to resist and lands on their ass.

A good thing to know.

Indifference is the real killer.  Chill something out and it will die of hypothermia, which is not an immediate death, but a calculated and icy one.



Abuse dynamics/ D/s dynamics..

In D/s, Bdsm, My journal on March 25, 2009 at 10:12 am

Still stormed in here.
Almost a week into the official arrival of spring and I have been scrambling thru white out conditions to get to the corner store.

I’m thinking back this morning to where I was a couple of years ago to this date. In a shelter, a couple of days arrival into a city I had been transported to for reasons of safety. A city that was awash in cherry blossom petals, they paved the streets…

In a shelter for women and children leaving abusive relationships, shocking to me because I had been an abuse counsellor for over a decade prior to this relationship.
Mute, traumatized, and undone. The relationship only lasted six months prior to my leavetaking, but I began a process of coming to terms with how it all went down to begin with.
In retrospect, I believe it could only happen because of the situation I found myself in, far from my home..and the life timing..

When I met the person who was to become so monstrous, I was actively grieving an enormous life loss, and as all cons do, this person knew how to work that vulnerability.
It’s a black hole, almost surreal, in my personal life story..but there is a message I want to speak to..

Anyone, regardless of who you think you are, can find themselves in this sort of mess, the shame is not in landing there,what is pivitol is the pride one should take and awareness that one has the skills to get out.

As I arrived there, as many do, without a thing to my name, I was given a voucher for 100 dollars for clothing and personals..
at a connected thrift operation.
I recall the pain and confusion as I, a woman who had been independent, so very independent in many ways all my adult life, went to pick out a sweater to wear around the city in the spring weather.
Reconnecting to my sense of selfhood, oh, I like this fabric, that cut,I deserve this.
It was horrendously difficult, I had lost my “I”.

My partner,I really do NOT know what to call him,had a very dominant personality, despite not being a Dominant, he employed all the same mind fuks ect, but without limits and ethics that exist in a healthy D/s relationship..his motives were pathological.

In D/s there is a certain amount of loss of self that is given over in trust..by the submissive..and that is why the ethics and borders, and mutual respect are crucial.

I believe that as a submissive, it is integral that I have and experience a strong sense of the “I’, as my touchstone , while experiencing the loss of the “I’ that is part of the gift of submission.

Submissives need to hold each other up in this, Dominants need to negotiate and be aware of selfhood issues for those they take on.

I know some may feel differently on this..but whether it is submission or slave status,how can one give what one does not have?

If you do not have a “self” you cannot employ it in the service of another or yourself.

Abuse belittles and destroys the self …in a healthy D/s dynamic the self is given a container within which to grow.

I will  be continuing my thoughts on this in the next post.

Hope your week is going well, cherry blossom petals on my mind while I listen to the crooning foghorn and watch the dovegreyed skies, shaking out flakes , as we say here, the old one brushes with her broom..hopefully but not likely the last touch of winter.

On love, loss and the friends that return.

In D/s, Bdsm on March 14, 2009 at 6:23 pm

When all is said and done, it’s often friendship that trumps love, obsession and the other trailing compulsivities that draw us to another.

Friendship has its own soulfulness, does not require similar temperaments and each often brings an ungainly difference in oneself to the meeting ground.

While we often feel driven to get closer to the merge point with the object of an erotic or romantic craving,( I mean, honestly..when was the last time you wanted to MERGE with a friend) friendship asks that we reveal ourselves, our soulfulness as it were in shared humor, acceptance, and leeway for gliches.

Theres a thing that takes over in the initial stages of erotic attraction..the Want..foregrounding all subtext..online or off.

The older one becomes it seems the more so we expect, even require friendship as handmaiden to our couplings..and the mastering of this is a tricky tango.
The soul tho could care less.It will drive us down to our knees for the taste of its darker appetites in ways that would render us unrecognizable to family and friends.
Family , friends, lovers all come with their own separate pathologies…
For me, when a lover has also been a friend and that has been deeply felt, the loss is the hardest.

I’ve learned a certain detachment to loss, as it were, over the years having been iniated, sceaming into some of the roughest types…I am not speaking of the erotic here, but the lesson transferred.

Embrace, and embrace Deeply..but also, learn the Grace in letting Go.

Just some thoughts, Cat

The Ramblings of Insomnia, Memory and Choice..

In D/s, Bdsm, prose on March 13, 2009 at 6:58 pm
Damn the insomnia. I’ve nearly gone out of my mind with it tonight.This is a time of transitions and the vessel is not empty.I long for some time in the country alone…complete solitude from which to map my location.

There is so much happening, mostly subterranean, but that is when the most fertile breakthroughs loom close by.

…altho those sweet pink cuffs beckon…alt. is a smorgasboard of choice, complete with mouth watering options…and as Clarissa Pinkola Estes states in her book Women who run with the Wolves, one CANNOT choose a lover from the smorgasboard one must choose alover from soul hunger…something far more primal than simple enticement.

I think I have always chosen my lovers from soul hunger ..and the war paint with which I cloak my wounds is simply attitude bandaging scars. These scars are still mine dammit..they speak of the courage to risk.

Shackling my ankles and wrists is relatively easy..shackling my heart..ah now theres the vision quest…
Insomnia, babi..it gets cold where I live at four in the morning. I sit smoking a cigarette, the only point of light in the night.

Trail to the bathroom , look in the mirror, the ghosts of past lovers, friends, appearing beside me. Go away, I’m NOT laughing.Rest.
But these visions we all carry. They are part of OUR stories.

They are where we have been.
Absolutely I covet those pretty pink cuffs and the pretty pink collar but ultimately I covet more the real and flawed man who will gift me with them.

It may not come to pass. I had the occasion to supper with a beloved relation of mine tonight, I had not seen her in 4 years, she is turning 90 and catching a flight tomorrow to an almost certain death before I see her face again. I held her tiny body, felt her enormous strength of self, grown more luminescent with each year.

Her face was remarkable in its beauty…she has outlived 3 husbands and numerous lovers.
Raised a small country of step children.
Still travels the world with aplomb..get outta my way..I will carry my own bags!
I so love this woman!

I thank  J..you know who you are..for this jewel..kinks just groovy and all, but it really would be nice to wake up with someone in the morning….

Insomniacal ramblings. But desicions made.
Breathing easier, dawns afoot in my hood and it is time for a walk.
If you got this far, namaste, I am certain I will be back to edit this..
Chastened and subdued,and VERY very quiet,


How to survive a D/s breakup

In D/s, Bdsm on March 13, 2009 at 12:58 pm

A friend here…I won’t name names/I Do have some sense of discretion..if not as
regards myself at least as regards others…
emailed and asked me if I was pining for someone in my past.

The answer is No. However.
I did go thru about 4 weeks of some sort of emotional spasm after a particularly savage breakup in the past year. I’m not certain if the words pine or even grieve apply.

To what I did.
More like MOLT..as in shed my skin like a snake….I went thru what can only be likened to the DT’s..it being my first D/s relationship..the post breakup was nothing if not
overwhelmingly physical.

I alarmed the crap out of friends who
knew nothing of the D/s aspects of the
relationship. A well meaning girlfriend
wordlessly shoved a copy of Eckhart Tolle’s
” The Power of Now” (too funny)
into my mailbox
and Tolle’s words kept me grounded
in between vomiting.
Unfortunately I will never be able to pick
up Tolle again..Even looking at the
cover triggers a Pavlovian gag response.

I have never vomited over a man
in my life, and there I was
feeling as if the hounds from hell
were tearing my limbs asunder.
My skin was on fire.

My apartment almost. I left the burners
on over and over, I forgot garbage day
two weeks in a row, and I let the phone
ring for three weeks straight.

I made several of those early A.M
phone calls to people I knew from
across the country…you know those
calls..the ones where you wish to god
someone had bound and gagged you first.

I even ,in drunken confusion one night,
dialed the local crisis line and tearfully
recounted how desperately I missed
being slapped, spanked and choked..

I attempted to describe “subspace”
whereupon I think she began to suspect
I was on crack……

I’m not certain who was in the greater
state by the end of the call..altho
smirk..I’m certain I gave the bitch
something to think about..as she
awkwardly signed off with a mumbled
“Good Luck with That..”

( Damn there should be a Bdsm hotline.)

One morning I woke up and
I was over it.
I had literally and efficiently
exorcized him from my body.

The fact that I did not resist the pain
I’m sure had alot to do with it.

But as I get older I have found that
to be true of anything.
Don’t just FEEL it, BE it.

And the ashes will burn themselves to
the ground, if not everything else
around you.
And you will be free.

Go on. Get Over It.