Had a scar touched on the other day. Opened unexpectedly, confusion and vertigo, a tumult of sensations, energies that I am loathe to label as distinct emotions…instead when processing, I locate where in my body the sensations reside, and then let them speak for themselves..
The dominant sensation was one of my throat closing down, a choking, and an ache..a sensation I often experience as an ambiguous pleasure as I am entering subspace..I say ambiguous because, there is such a hyperdermic rush of euphoria mixed with something akin but cousin to, not quite fear.
The sensations attached to struggle and surrender.
This was different. There was no pleasure. I knew in part that something had been touched on that was much older than the moment and the context at hand. However, my inner world tilted on its axis veering into history.
The memories, felt sensations from childhood before I had the concepts to label my emotional realities, simply struggling at the mercy of them.
If there was a single quality I both exuded as a child and was furthurmore punished for..it was my creativity. Not from both parents, but from one, who was innately threatened by the way I processed, I took things in thru my senses rather than in a linear fashion, another way of saying this was although very cerebral, I was floaty, dreamy and given to solitude and thinking outside the box.
When caught up in a reverie, be it a new way of seeing or doing, I did not take direction or instruction well, I colored outside the lines , happily,not to rebel, it was simply innate.
My ability to hyperfocus has a down side. Sometimes switching gears takes a moment longer than non creative types.
How does this serve me as a submissive?
It’s an incredible gift when powerfully cued , and offsetting when I am distractible.
It’s been a long journey to embrace my creativity and way of being in this world, its been hard won.
A scar was touched on, a scar that whispers, inside of me, oh you fucked up, draw your lines straighter, attune and pay attention. Your inability to do this marks you as different, an outsider, inept.
I took a triage approach, accepted that my felt reaction was something far older than the now, processed and let go.
I walk the inner and outer world with greater or less degrees of precision dependent on what I have been caught up in..and at this point in my life given that I have a fair grasps on my strengths and faultlines, I let people into my intimate space who have some awareness and tolerance for drift.
For as sure as I have a capacity for drift, which enables me to see and experience the subterranean qualities to the phenomena around me, I also have a capacity, when compelled or taken by a perception, sensation, idea, or person to give it 500% of myself and then some.
This double edged sword can be harnessed to the good or damned.
I continue to strive to harness it to the good, for all those that I love, and all that I love.